Walking out of the gym today, I spotted a woman wearing a shirt that said, “Even my anxiety has anxiety.” I chuckled, reflecting on the days when I had felt like that.

Although humorous, it’s not uncommon to experience layers of stress and worry that accumulate to the point that minor tasks feel insurmountable. There are many ways to decompress, such as meditation, exercise, enjoying nature, or calling a friend. However, self-compassion is one of the quickest ways to restore balance and regain confidence.

Why it’s hard to give yourself a break.

Compassion is a deep awareness of and desire to alleviate another’s suffering. Self-compassion is recognizing your limits and wanting to support yourself. We can quickly feel compassion for others, but when it comes to ourselves, we often condemn instead of console.

In a culture that values self-reliance, toughness, and stoicism, self-compassion can seem like a cop-out. It can be misconstrued as lowering standards, self-indulgence, or an excuse to avoid hard work. Some worry that they won’t push themselves to succeed if they are too kind to themselves.

True confidence is allowing yourself to be human.

All the science-backed stress management tools and techniques don’t make a difference if you continue to be upset with yourself. Trying to decompress while beating yourself up is how your anxiety breeds more anxiety.

Self-compassion means being kind to yourself when you fall down. It’s how you maintain a confident and balanced perspective, recognizing imperfection as part of the human experience. It’s not about self-pity or avoiding responsibility. It’s being realistic about your capacity to go, go, go.

Action →Be self-compassionate.

Not every day has to be a straight shot to the moon. Some days, it’s okay to coast. Psychological research shows that self-compassion leads to greater emotional resilience, better mental health, and increased motivation.

Even the world’s most majestic mountain ranges have peaks and valleys. You can, too. Here are two rules for self-compassion:

Be kind to yourself. It’s common to feel stressed. It’s okay to comfort yourself as you would a friend. What is more effective for building up someone who is stressed: criticizing them or reassuring them? Give yourself the same empathy and empowerment you would give to someone you believe in and care about.

Set realistic expectations. Many worthwhile accomplishments sometimes go differently than our plans or timelines. It took several centuries for Rome to grow from a small city-state to the most powerful empire in the ancient world. Allow your aspirations and goals the maturation process they need to come to fruition.

What this looks like in practice.

Dr. Kristin Neff is a brilliant, pioneering researcher in self-compassion. When her son was diagnosed with autism, she experienced intense guilt and self-blame. She also felt isolated and judged by others who did not understand her trials. In a radical turnabout, Neff chose to be kind instead of critical, fundamentally changing how she related to herself and coped with her son’s challenges.

Thinking back to the woman at the gym, I hoped her exercise routine included some mental reps of self-compassion; otherwise, her t-shirt would be less of a joke and more of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Don’t get into double trouble, creating more anxiety about your anxiety. Boost your confidence with some self-compassion instead. You and your potential are worth it.

Until next week, take good care.

Jo-Aynne Von Born, Leadership and Executive Coach