Imagine an inflated ball bouncing down a flight of stairs. Notice how every time it hits a step, it bounces back up. The step is the setback the ball uses to propel itself forward.

What if you could make your setbacks work in a similar way for you?

The real obstacles.

Although setbacks may be external events we can’t control, such as the loss of a job, an irate co-worker, or heavy traffic that prevents us from arriving at a meeting on time, the actual obstacles are the emotions triggered by those events.

If you fail to achieve a goal, despite hard work and diligence, the real obstacle is dealing with any upset about losing the time, money, and resources spent to achieve it.

If you have a conflict with someone, despite your best efforts to make your case, the real obstacle is dealing with any anger that affects the stability of the relationship.

If others dismiss your ideas or outreach despite your good intentions, the real obstacle is dealing with any disappointment that may prevent you from taking risks in the future.

Unresolved emotions.

Emotions are a natural part of life. Managed well, they can help us. Mismanaged, they can derail our best efforts. I don’t know about you, but my mind works better when I don’t have a bunch of raging emotions getting in the way of clear thinking.

Let’s return to the bouncing ball I mentioned earlier. If each step triggers a challenging emotion, how can you use that emotion to launch you forward instead of backward?

Learn to handle obstacles so they work for you, not against you. Answer these three questions to develop the resilience to do this:

-What am I feeling?

Acknowledge your emotions. Be honest with yourself. Call it out. Name it. Don’t skip this part. You can deal with emotions better when you know what you’re feeling.

-What is this telling me I care about?

Identify what significant value or principle has been violated. When you fail to achieve a goal, maybe you’re upset because you pride yourself on getting things done. Although this may seem obvious, by expressing what matters to you, you shift from being managed by your feelings to managing them by understanding their source.

-How can I accept this and move on?

Resolve to accept your emotions and even thank them for reminding you what matters. Sometimes, you discover that what you thought was important isn’t. This realization can resolve many problems in one instant.

In any case, this simple act of acceptance and gratitude will amaze you at how much easier it is to refocus, make the best of things, and learn how to better deal with similar situations in the future.

As human beings, everything we think is influenced by how we feel. Even if we claim not to be emotional, emotions are still there, working subconsciously.

Strengthen your resilience by checking in on your emotions throughout the day. You don’t need to wait for a big blow-up. Practice acknowledging the more minor negative feelings that creep up. Figure out whether what’s behind them matters. Use what you’ve learned to bounce forward with gratitude.

Until next week, take good care.

Jo-Aynne Von Born, Leadership and Executive Coach